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i spotted how little time he has for me. however i appreciated the hassle he does.he calls everyday, many occasions a day when he is at work, we spend a lot time on the phone.i cant complain. then since he lives in one other suburb about 20 min freeway, he cant come to me we started resorting to other means to be with each other. i am going to his home on nights his wife works. then one evening, his wife discovered about my presence of their bedroom i dunno how. and so they talked and i guess he confessed. all the while i used to be already advised by mm not to admit. deny. to death if she rings me. she rang me and from what she knew, i assumed she knew so much, i couldnt deliver myself to deny something. she was very civil, educated. well mannered. and asked me if i want her husband bec if i do, she will giv him to me. i do of course. but i couldnt deliver myself to ask where does he stand in all this? this is not for me to determine, its for him. i may want him and if he says i stick with my family. what will that make me? but it doesnt take a genius to determine the selection he made. The most stunning mistake I even have made to date was loving a man who had a family, a home, a mom to his children. I realized more about myself up to now yr of my life than most individuals scratch upon in a lifetime! Love shouldn’t come at the expense of pain that another person might feel, nor on the expense of 1’s own emotions. I know now that if I am “value it” a man will be sure that he has no baggage, no wife who will call and interrupt his time with me…. no woman at house who’s emotions could be shattered if she knew I existed. Double loss inside a 12 months… i.e. I simply don’t know if I can take it. Now I understand I even have gotten myself in a worse state of affairs and I am very afraid of loss in general as a result of at some point my beautiful husband walked out the door and by no means came home until they introduced him to me in a bodybag. I love my lover and I get most of my emotional help from him, nobody else knows what’s going on in my head and how frightening it may be. But even within the affair I feel so alone, I see him possibly twice a month if we are fortunate and the remainder of the time its texts and phonecalls and so forth… i.e. I am alone a lot. I don’t know if I am even in search of solutions cuz i do know what the answer is. I simply feel like it may ship me off the deep end cuz I am so SO close already. I know this relationship received’t be sufficient for me, I need what I had–
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